The Act of Unfriending

A ‘sad’ reaction to a Facebook post. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. That seemingly innocuous reaction is what caused me to go through the simple, yet impactful, act of unfriending the first and only person I’ve unfriended on Facebook in the 12-odd years I’ve actively been engaged.

There is a lot of talk about people unfriending on social media and in real life because of extreme opposing political views. In retrospect, I know I have eye-rolled at this sentiment and thought ‘can’t we all be grown-ups here.’ I grew up in an era of ‘agree to disagree.’ We didn’t unfriend those we disagreed with but instead respected one another about positions on the economy, international policies, oil rights, and yes, even abortion and the death penalty. My generation grew up in households where it was taught not to discuss politics unless you were in a like-minded audience. Along with this sentiment, I was also raised to make sure that I had facts and logic behind why — not just emotion if I disagreed. All of that said, I also grew up being taught hate and unkindness aren’t to be tolerated. I believe in inclusivity and leading with the best intentions; having an equal approach of heart and mind.

Over the last four years, though, differences have started to become less about policy and more about underlying tolerance (complete disregard) with a lack of moral consideration and human decency; even in those who claimed to exist on a moral, spiritual, and biblical high ground.

Being a woman of faith, I’ve spent time with other women of faith. Coffee groups, bible studies, church events, and other faith-based gatherings pull women seeking spiritual feeding together. Although women in these settings may politically disagree, we tend to hold a common thread of living our lives the way Christ intended. Through Love.

love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.*

As someone who wants to love and respect the people I know, even if we sometimes disagree, it has been incredibly painful to find myself in a position of not ‘agreeing to disagree.’ I never wanted to be someone who ‘unfriended’ someone because we couldn’t get to common ground. But, in what is a new season of hope and joy, I became that person. Not because this individual and I don’t agree on an issue or two. But because of this:

You can’t see it there, but behind the like, love, and care reactions was a sad face. A tear because her candidate didn’t win. A sentiment, by someone in my woman of faith circle, that couldn’t be overcome by the pleasure of knowing that love would, in fact, be in the administration that leads our country. A woman who couldn’t see the partnership and deep love in this photo as a win over a tyrant whose wife won’t even hold his hand. My feelings weren’t hurt because she didn’t agree to like that a new administration was coming in. My soul was crushed because the appreciation for love seemed lost on her.

It broke me. Not only did I unfriend her, but I blocked her and removed her contact from my phone.

For right or wrong, self-preservation took over. In this case, self-preservation looks like intolerance. For the last few years, I’d set aside the fact that this woman of faith felt so strongly on a single issue that she tolerated a man who consistently showed a flagrant disregard for monotony, love, kindness, partnership, and respect in his marriage and to women.

While it may seem like I’m separating because someone disagrees with me, it’s so much more than that. I don’t have an issue with disagreement. I have plenty of friends and family with whom disagreement exists over a variety of things. At some level, though, I choose to surround myself with those who believe and base their actions on a few standard human decencies. Truths that we hold dear.

If there is only one thing my daughter takes away from my parenting (she’s now 18), the partner we chose in life should truly be a partner. We’re not a ‘man of the household’ kind of joint. We (my husband and I) lead in love, partnership, and respect. Not just for one another, but her. We don’t follow any one member of our household blindly, nor do we accept that a single issue should outweigh who a person fundamentally appears to be. Any skirting of these fundamentals demeans the home we’ve built and how we want to reflect love by what we believe.

In a world where democracy reigns and we chose our leaders and those who write policy, I will always respect electing officials based on their policies — even if I disagree. What I finally accepted about myself today is that respect can only extend so far and does not extend into holding into relationships with people who fundamentally allow and accept moral disengagement** above policy.

I get the irony. I do believe, in many cases, intolerance breeds intolerance. But in this circumstance, I realized I’m ok with my own intolerance. I am no longer holding on to a justification of behavior for something I don’t believe. I have to be for my own mental well being. For years I’ve told my daughter to disengage with people who aren’t healthy for her. For too long, I haven’t been following my own advice.

There is no big reveal here. Just acknowledgment that sometimes we can’t hold onto relationships just because we once were more tolerant of one another than we are today. I want to embrace a new era of hope and joy. To do that, I have to accept there are certain things I can’t accept. And embrace the ‘Ok’ in that.

In posting this, maybe someone who has been struggling with the same thing will not feel alone and will unfriend as they need to. Or, they’ll continue to fight a fight I no longer could. In either case, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. One I’m not proud of and, frankly, one that makes me rather sad. But I made a choice. And that’s the beauty of our lives — we get to choose.

This morning as I woke up, a friend had shared this:

Dear Self, don’t allow anyone to trigger you. Let it go. Walk away. You’ll be proud of yourself later. ~ Sylvester Mcnutt

Yesterday, and here forward, I will continue to choose self-preservation.

*Definition of Love | Dictionary.com

**Moral Disengagement — Moral disengagement is a term from social psychology for the process of convincing the self that ethical standards do not apply to oneself in a particular context. This is done by separating moral reactions from inhumane conduct and disabling the mechanism of self-condemnation | Wikipedia

Photo by Evie Shaffer from Pexels