King, Coach, Friend

Slightly before our daughter went into a long-term rehabilitation program, we started attending church services at a church where some of our close friends were. At the time, we didn’t realize how much we needed it in our lives and started attending more to solve the home troubles than any other reason. Although we hadn’t stepped foot into a house of God for fourteen years, we thought it could be the magic cure for our daughter’s struggles. To give her a better (healthier) community to spend her time with. To show her how important it was to us, we were attending services weekly and forced her to attend teen nights on Wednesdays.

Our entry back into a faith-based life was one of tactics, not mindfulness. Sometimes, though, that is how He gets us to the places we need. During one of the early sermons, led by a good friend of ours, a message imprinted on our hearts that I’ve embraced since the day I heard it.

Over time, as parents, we shift from King, to Coach, to (hopefully, if we do it right), Friend.

King.

To be a King (or in my opinion, a Queen) is to rule, enforce, and provide. King’s have subjects to whom they must govern and, in turn, those subjects do what they can to please their King.

Coach.

To be a Coach is to mentor, guide, support, and train. We experience all types of coaching in life — athletic, professional, well-being, and others. While Coaches do get to command their students, it is still the student’s right to guide their actions by the direction they’re provided.

Friend.

To be a friend is to unfailingly support, embrace, nurture, and respect. Friendships are fundamentally built on trust and mutual appreciation for things. They are rooted in respect and kindness, whereby neither person has the upper hand.

I spent weeks analyzing what he had said. I immediately saw it but didn’t know how to apply it because we were in such a dark hole with our daughter. Over time, though, as she rehabilitated and since she has been home, I’ve come to deeply appreciate this sentiment and try to make my decisions by it. Here is how I interpreted what he said…

During the early years of parenting, we are meant to rule, instruct, and provide for our children. In our image, they are taught — our beliefs and behaviors tend to become their beliefs and behaviors. They seek to please us and are hurt when they don’t.

At some point, though, they begin to want to forge their own path. This is typically when rebellion begins. They want to learn on their own, make their own choices and not be told what to do, and, most importantly, seek independence. For some children, this is early; for some, it is late. But regardless of age, it happens. It is at this moment we should be shifting into coaching.

Safely allowing our children to make mistakes, instead of controlling their every action, is how they learn. During these years, they begin to seek guidance from us before making those decisions, but only if we build the trust that forgiveness is a part of their failures. This forgiveness (and inherent kindness that comes along with forgiveness) is what begins to build trust.

Over the years, sometimes just a few or sometimes many, this trust creates a friendship. This friendship between parents and their children doesn’t negate the need for coaching from time to time; in fact, I believe it actually creates a wide-open door for our children to seek our guidance as they go through this cycle.

There is also another crucial lesson I learned in all of this. Any time we (as parents) are in one phase too early or too late creates danger and risk to both the relationships we want with our children when they become adults and how they progress through life.

Staying too long as a King when seeking a Coach causes them to rebel more and with greater risk. Attempting to be a Friend before they’re ready opens the door for them to ‘adult’ too soon. Coaching when we need to govern (as King) is equally harmful. I firmly believe there isn’t a recipe for this. Unfortunately, there is no common guideline we all get to follow to know when to transition from phase to phase.

Here is what I do know. It is amazing to experience the transition between King to Coach and Coach to Friend. In the first, we get to see their application of our teaching to our lives. In the second, we get to talk to our children, and more importantly, get the opportunity to listen. To know they trust us enough to share the easy stuff and the hard stuff. For me, as a parent, that is the goal.

I have experienced first hand staying in any one place too long. Our challenges were also the result of so much more than just this approach to our relationship with our daughter. What I have also experienced, though, is that looking at how I react and engage with her through this lens helps me helps her. Sometimes, she is seeking my mentorship. Sometimes, I have to give her a curfew (even though she’s 18, she’s still in school). Sometimes, she wants to talk and let me hear her, not guide her.

We’ll continue to screw things up, as all parents do. When she wants us just to listen, we will try to fix things. When she frustrates us, we’ll attempt to restrict her in large part that comes from protection and never want her to hurt. Fortunately, we’re enough to be in the Coach to King transition of our lives, but I hope she seeks our guidance for many years after we become her Friend. In the meantime, we embrace the opportunity to be any of the three she needs as she needs it.

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